Action – Nicholas Walker

Autobiography of a Short, Fat, Ugly Man: A Kind of Immortality

Nicholas Walker — Sun, 15 Aug 2021 01:01:26 +0000

Apologies: I could read when I was three. It’s not unnatural, some children just seem to teach themselves to read, we think it’s by a process of copying adults and interpreting pictures. From the age of about six I was reading a book every day, that is finishing a book every day…a practice I have continued all my life. I’m not saying I read War and Peace in one day but I tend to finish an average sized adult’s book most days. When I was eight I was reading James Bond and books by Alistair McLean and Neville Shute. Mind you I was still reading all the children’s books as well, still do now: Bunter, William, Jennings, The Famous Five and all the others. I read all the heavy stuff in my teens and now regret wasting so much of my time digesting crap like Wuthering Heights and Tom Jones…give me a break. There is nothing in those old fashioned dirges that you cannot find ten times better in a modern book…literary insight my ass. Most of them were written by middle class virgins who knew nothing of life and the only reason they got published was because there were so few people writing during the last century. I took a year to read: The Fall and Decline of the Roman Empire, then there was Boswell’s Life of Johnson both of which were okay. Then there were all the Nordic folk tales and stuff like that. By the age of fourteen I had read the whole of Kingswinford Library half a dozen times. Then when I was thirty eight I was at Exeter University and a professor told us we should read the Aeneid if only in translation, I had always avoided it like the plague because it was in Latin. But I knew about the Aeneid from the Bunter books so I read it and wasn’t that impressed but while I was reading it I had a kind of revelation: I was reading words written by an ordinary bloke some 2000 years ago! A living, breathing man who maybe had just had an argument with his wife or had an upset stomach or was just feeling ticked off with the world. He was communicating with me over huge scans of time and appearing on my page as alive as he had ever been…the thought took my breath away, anything I read or indeed wrote was not limited by the mere lifetime of a man, it could go on forever…it was a Kind of Immortality!

Last Tango

Nicholas Walker — Fri, 07 May 2021 00:40:54 +0000

The edge of the door came closer but now the control of the crowd was breaking and the order of earlier was slipping away and people were pushing in front of her. Then Rabbi Ariel spoke to them severely and they listened to him. Angel knew that he had believed her earlier but he was over eighty and almost crippled by arthritis so he was hardly going to be able to jump from a train. Then at last she was at the door and she pulled it back against its lock. A good two inches let her feel the blast of air and she gulped it thankfully but already she had the handle of the bucket in her hand and she eased it through the crack and reached for the latch. Angel had studied the latch on the door when they had been bundling them inside but it was only designed to keep cattle in and it was easy. She caught it first try with the handle and the door slid open to reveal the rushing darkness outside. ‘What are you doing?’ a man demanded. ‘I’m jumping from the train,’ she said loudly. ‘If anybody else wants to join me now’s your chance.’ ‘You’ll be killed,’ said a woman. ‘Don’t be so stupid.’ ‘I’ve done it before, if you relax and roll you should be okay,’ she said. ‘We’ll all be punished for letting you escape,’ said the woman. ‘Don’t let her go.’ And immediately strong arms were holding her from behind. ‘Just lock the door after me,’ she said not bothering to struggle, the man holding her was too strong. ‘They won’t check the individual cars.’ ‘No!’ shouted a man and others were agreeing with him now and Angel could see her chance slipping away. ‘Let the child go,’ came Rabbi Ariel’s wonderful voice…a voice that had once captivated a synagogue. ‘I said let her go!’ The hands holding her slipped away. She looked at him and nodded. ‘Go my child and may God protect you,’ he said. ‘Quickly now, the train is slowing for a bend.’ ‘And God be with you all,’ she said and arms wrapped around her head she hurled herself into the darkness.

Defeat of the Kraal

Nicholas Walker — Fri, 07 May 2021 00:32:16 +0000

Lorrinda banged her staff of office on the ground to bring everyone to order and everybody fell silent, even the Probationers stopped whispering among themselves impressed at the seriousness of the occasion. ‘Kimba,’ said Lorrinda in her serious voice, ‘you have made the complaint, step into the ring.’ Kimba drew her sword, laid it on the ground and stepped forward into the sandy circle facing the five council members who were sitting on a half-circle of rocks which had been covered with sheepskins. ‘Who is it you wish to make a complaint against?’ said Lorrinda. ‘Tom,’ she said clearly. ‘Step into the ring please Tom,’ said Lorrinda putting the please in because it was Tom. Tom laid his sword of office on the ground and stepped in alongside Kimba. He gave her a smile but she wouldn’t look at him. ‘Name your complaint,’ said Lorrinda. ‘Well, as you all know we’ve been tasked to find any mines or quarries still working,’ said Kimba. ‘It hasn’t been easy, all the Kraal have retreated into the Citadel and we have been out for weeks!’ She took a look around at the huge circle of staring eyes and took a deep breath her anger driving her on: ‘My party finally found a mine right up in the North, twenty miles away or more…it was perfect, just what we had all been looking for.’ ‘Yes, we all know this,’ said Lorrinda. ‘What’s your complaint?’ ‘Well, Tom and Jessica are leading a party against them tomorrow and they have refused to let me even come along…not to lead it but to even come along!’ she thrilled. ‘They are not even taking my group!’ ‘We can’t take your group if you’re not there to lead them,’ sighed Tom, ‘they won’t respond to me as they do to you…we are taking our own groups because it is safer.’ ‘Well, let me lead them in then!’ snapped Kimba. ‘You can come along. My group knows exactly where the mine is and we’ve thoroughly reconnoitred the whole area. It should be us!’ ‘Are we really going to do this?’ demanded Tom. ‘There isn’t a person here who doesn’t know why we won’t let you go.’

Going Round the Bend on the QE2

Nicholas Walker — Sat, 26 Sep 2020 01:04:56 +0000

Written by a bestselling author this is the hilarious story of him having a nervous breakdown and running away around the world on the QE2! Unbelievable but absolutely true the author’s sensitive mental state gives him a different slant on world travel and the millionaires he mixes with. A truly different travel book which will have you laughing on every page. This is the true story of how the author cured a nervous breakdown by taking a world cruise on The Queen Elizabeth ll. It is a peep into the luxury lifestyle of the very rich from the somewhat sardonic viewpoint of someone who is not quite sane. We visit 40 countries and each one is treated to the author’s observations which are nearly always humorous and written by someone who’s fragile mental state causes him to throw all caution to the winds. But more than that, Nick isn’t your conventional world traveller: he gets arrested in New York and undergoes an intimate body search, he fights off three armed muggers in Jamaica, falls out with Australian customs officers, has a motor bike accident in Bali, is attacked by two old men in The Taj Mahal and is thrown out of Vietnam. The book, though, is more about his life aboard the QE2: his love affairs, his growing relationship with the staff and their intimate, closeted lifestyle, the disastrous staff concert that ends up in an all-out fight, the excesses of the super-rich passengers and the bizarre situations that only happen aboard such as the night where he is trapped on the dance floor with the three women he has been dating. All in all it is the story of a man making his way back to sanity until he is finally deposited back on the quay at Southampton where he started only now he is penniless and has just been informed that everything he owns in the world has been thrown overboard into the sea. The hilarious follow up is now available on Kindle: Going Insane in America, where Nick runs away to America to avoid his proctologist!

Spiral Staircase

Nicholas Walker — Sat, 12 Sep 2020 00:26:43 +0000

The white shape stormed around the room thrashing against the walls, the floor, even the roof, again and again it hurled past the children until at last it seemed to sense there was someone there and it roared up in front of them. A blast of stinging cold air hit them like a fist, worse than any force ten gale. Disgusting went flying, howling with fear, but nobody could hear him above the appalling noise the Scream was making. The other children grabbed for the wall and managed to stay on their feet. The Scream seemed to look at them then it faded back a couple of feet, as though studying them from a different angle. Then even over all the din they heard the sound of the chapel clock next door chime 10.15. The Scream heard it too, for instantly it screeched right across the attic going faster and faster, then it seemed to spin round and round like a whirlwind becoming narrower and narrower and denser and denser until it became so dense that it actually became solid. 'It's turning into someone,' Victoria groaned. The shimmering form suddenly focused and became still and the white figure of a girl came into view. 'It's the girl from the room,' whispered Sally. 'The second one.' But no one answered, everything had suddenly become quiet and still because the ghost had started to walk! Slowly, precisely, the figure of the girl stepped towards them across the wooden floor and each footfall echoed making a noise much louder than the slight figure suggested. After what felt an age the figure reached the edge of the floor and she raised her head to stare at the children still pressed right back against the wall. Two blazing eyes that seemed to burn them in a cold blue flame seared across the room. Then the beautiful mouth in the beautiful face opened and a thin scream came out and the children screamed with her, and the scream dissolved her back into the white cloud that came hurtling towards them like a runaway lorry. Again and again the Scream hit them, buffeting them like they were in a hurricane, smashing them to the floor in a heap as it vented its fury. Suddenly it was quiet again and the stunned children risked a glance. The white figure of the girl had appeared again right beside them and stood glaring at them from only centimetres away. Victoria felt Disgusting whimpering at the bottom of the pile and a feeling of protectiveness reminded her she was in charge. Shaking, she forced herself to her feet, pushing her knees back so her quivering legs would support her. 'What do you want?' she said and her voice stumbled and fumbled with the words. The figure didn't reply, the blazing eyes mocking her. 'I said what do you want?' she said, her voice steadier. Then to Disgusting who was trying to reach her hand. 'It's all right, Dizzy.' She took a step forwards. 'You're frightening my brother,' she said and as she said it the white figure sprang forward and an almost solid hand slapped her across the face. 'Ow,' said Victoria, more annoyed than hurt. Now the Scream had started again and was hurtling around the children this time thumping and crashing into them, pushing down Daniel who was trying to stand up beside Victoria. But Victoria was already up and she forced herself to stay that way holding tightly on to the wall. 'Leave us alone!' she said bravely and letting go of the wall she stepped forward to face the girl. The Scream seemed to go mad and this time, concentrated on Victoria, hurtling round and round her once more closing up like a whirlwind, becoming tighter and tighter, only this time Victoria was in the middle. Daniel was now on his feet again and trying to grab her, but it was like trying to grab a waterfall, solid, but nothing to actually hold on to. The Scream's howling rose even louder until it hurt their ears and then in a single split second it shot through the open doorway and away up the passageway and Victoria was gone with it.

The Boy Who Was Afraid of Heights & Barnaby Cole: Detective!

Nicholas Walker — Thu, 10 Sep 2020 01:35:25 +0000

She steered her canoe expertly into the centre channel and immediately Tom followed. He felt the water grip his canoe and rush it along. He gasped and tried to slow himself with his paddle, but it was no use. The canoe swept between two huge rocks, plunged down a short rapid and ended up in a big calm pool. Suzy was right beside him, and she grinned at him. ‘Bet that had you worried,’ she said. ‘Not a bit.’ ‘Liar, you almost overturned.’ ‘I was perfectly safe, thank you,’ he said coldly. ‘So, you didn’t really need me, then?’ ‘I’m sure I would have managed,’ he said, stung by her attitude. ‘Yeah?’ ‘Yeah!’ ‘Well, manage this then.’ She gave his canoe what seemed a slight push with her paddle and immediately his canoe turned turtle. Tom found himself sitting upside down in the water, then he started to fall out. Tom could swim quite well, so he dived down right under Suzy’s canoe and came up on the other side. She was staring down into the water making sure he’d got out. ‘Looking for me?’ Tom chirped. Then he gave her canoe a push and she went over as well. Suzy’s canoe stayed upside down for a second, then it turned the right way up again as she demonstrated a perfect Eskimo roll. The grin was still on her face, the only difference was that now it was framed by soaking wet hair. ‘Very flash, I bet you can’t do that again,’ Tom said, treading water. Suzy took a deep breath and rolled over again. Only this time, Tom put his hand on the bottom of the canoe so she couldn’t roll upright. After a moment she surfaced beside him, gasping like a guppy. ‘Ratbag,’ she spluttered, but she didn’t seem put out. ‘Well, you told me to do everything you did,’ Tom said, swimming to his canoe. ‘You seem to have got rather wet,’ he added, unable to resist the wisecrack. ‘It was worth it to see you laugh,’ she said, good-naturedly.

Replay & Barnaby Cole: Detective!

Nicholas Walker — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 01:03:28 +0000

'That's you Barnaby!' everyone shouted. Barnaby groaned. He knew it, he just knew it! One ball left from the opposite side's looney bowler, Ned Leeds, and four runs needed to win. Barnaby plodded wearily towards the wicket. He knew exactly what was about to happen. He'd never hit a four in his life and he'd never even seen a ball bowled by Ned. Everyone was going to blame him again. 'Come on Barnaby,' roared the sports teacher, Mr Croker. Barnaby took a glance at the row of bushes that was the school's vegetable garden and meant four to the cricket players. Then he risked a glance forward at the bowler. Ned was stamping away from him, muttering to himself and squeezing the ball out of shape. Barnaby pressed his knees together to stop them from knocking, gritted his teeth and firmly closed his eyes. There came a mad pounding of feet, like buffalo stampeding, the whistle of the ball through the air like it had been shot from a cannon, and a crack as it snapped his offside stump in two. Everybody groaned. 'Oh Barnaby!' said Mr Croker crossly. Sadly Barnaby limped back to the bank. He hadn't hurt his leg but he felt like limping just then. Now he was particularly unhappy, if only he had had his bat a little to the left. Barnaby sighed, comments were coming in from all sides and he banged the Walkman on the ground to switch it on and plugged himself in so he wouldn't hear what everybody was saying. At least that was all right because it was his favourite record, just finishing now. Barnaby gave the Walkman a squeeze to hear it again. There was a brief flash of light and ... Ned was stamping away from him, muttering to himself and squeezing the ball out of shape. Barnaby pressed his knees together to stop them from knocking, gritted his teeth and firmly closed his eyes. There came a mad pounding of feet, like buffalo stampeding, the whistle of the ball through the air like it had been shot from a cannon but this time Barnaby knew what was going to happen and he edged his bat slightly to the left. There came a crack and the bat jerked in his hand. 'Yes! Barnaby!' roared Mr Croker, lunging forward and slapping him on the back so hard that he staggered half way down the pitch. Barnaby opened his eyes. 'I knew you could do it,' said Mr Croker. 'A beautiful off drive, right into the vegetable garden.' Barnaby gazed around at the cheering children and tried to smile confidently. It didn't quite come off.

Gordon the Nervous Ghost & Other Stories

Nicholas Walker — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 00:56:37 +0000

At the other end of the field Odin was throwing the hammer. He was whirling the hammer round his head on the end of a piece of chain, faster and faster, before heaving it off into space. Odin wasn't a big giant, though a lot bigger than Roland, and he was much more understanding. 'Well, young Roland, would you like a go?' he asked, bending down so he could speak to him. 'Yes please, Odin,' said Roland. Kindly Odin found him the smallest hammer and showed Roland how to whirl it round his head. Roland dragged it round in a circle going faster and faster. 'Let go now,' said Odin, but Roland was getting excited and ignored him. 'Let go!' shouted Odin. 'Whaaa!' shouted back Roland going even faster. 'Let go!' bawled Odin at the top of his voice. And Roland finally let go. There was a whooshing noise, a cloud of dust, and Odin was left gazing sadly at the hammer which was lying completely still on the floor. 'Gosh,' said Odin. 'If only it was Roland throwing, not hammer throwing.' Roland landed over four miles away. By the time he had walked all the way back it was late afternoon and he'd missed his dinner. Most of the giants had finished practising their events and were all gathered around the centre of the green where the wrestling was taking place. Costos was taking on all-comers. He had been the champion for ten years. He was a great roaring giant with a huge beard and a mouth that gaped open like a hippopotamus. He had just hurled Bruno right over the ropes and into the crowd. 'Any other comers?' he bawled, thumping his chest like a gorilla. But there weren't. No one could fight Costos. All the other giants avoided his eyes. 'Come on, what are you? Giants or dwarfs?' shouted Costos. Suddenly everyone fell silent as Roland stepped into the ring. 'Aah,' said Costos, answering his own question, 'It seems you are dwarfs.' Roland offered to shake Costos' hand, but Costos, who towered above him, pretended he couldn't reach down that far. 'Don't get up,' he said. 'Oh, you are up.' His huge mouth fell open like a drawbridge and a great bellow of laughter blew Roland back against the ropes. He struggled back to the centre of the ring. 'Is the rest of you coming along later?' howled Costos. Once again Roland struggled against the huge blast of air. 'Wouldn't you like to take your coat off?' shouted Costos. 'It's much too heavy for you.' 'I'm not afraid of you,' shouted Roland, in his piping voice. Completely untruthfully as it happens because he was very afraid of him. 'All right then,' said Costos, getting into his wrestling crouch. Roland huddled down, which wasn't a very sensible thing to do as he was too low already. He shuffled around Costos making wrestler's grunting noises like he'd heard them do on the television. Costos watched him then suddenly lifted up his foot and slammed it right down on Roland, squashing him as flat as a piece of sticking plaster.

Daniel, Gerzergerblad and The Incidences & Arnold, The World’s Greatest Swordtoad

Nicholas Walker — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 00:49:12 +0000

Mrs Thruttle turned back to them. ‘Everything’s off but sausage sandwiches and cream buns,’ she snorted. ‘Fine, I’ll have two sausage sandwiches with gollups of tomato sauce then,’ Gerzergerblad said. Mrs Thruttle took the lid off a serving tray, twelve sausages were standing on end doing a square dance. They froze when the light hit them. She grabbed six, encased them in great thick slices of bread, and slapped them down on the counter in front of Gerzergerblad. The sandwiches heaved up and down, shrill yips of protest came from the sausages, resentful at having their dance interrupted, so Mrs Thruttle bashed the sandwiches flat with a hand the size of a coffee table until they quietened down. ‘Same for you?’ Mrs Thruttle said to Daniel. ‘Cor…er, no thanks, I’ll have a cream bun,’ said Daniel, horrified. Mrs Thruttle sniffed and plonked down a cream bun. Daniel regarded it suspiciously but it looked like just an ordinary, everyday, cream bun. They went and sat at the next table to the toad who was obviously feeling so sorry for himself that he was crying large tears that ran down his fat cheeks and plopped into his beer. Daniel had always thought of cats as fastidious eaters, but Gerzergerblad wasn’t. He sat back in his chair, a sandwich in each hand, taking alternate bites…tomato sauce squirted between his fingers at each bite and Daniel had to keep ducking it. Daniel picked up his cream bun and was about to bite into it when it suddenly gave him the most charming smile. ‘Hi,’ said the cream bun. ‘I’m Chester.’ ‘What is this?’ demanded Daniel dropping the bun back on the table. ‘Ouch,’ said Chester. ‘It’s alive,’ Daniel protested. ‘Of course it’s not alive,’ Gerzergerblad sighed. ‘Cream buns aren’t alive.’ ‘I can’t eat something that talks to me,’ Daniel said definitely. But the next second the problem was solved for him because the toad’s bottom jaw dropped open with a clang and nine feet of sticky tongue shot out with a sticky, squelching noise. It whistled past Daniel’s nose, wrapped itself firmly around the cream bun and shot back again. ‘Well, how rude,’ said Chester, then with a clang, Chester was lost from view. The toad closed its eyes and swallowed, a blissful expression on his face. ‘I’ll get you another one,’ Gerzergerblad offered. ‘Wow! Er, no, don’t bother,’ said Daniel hastily. ‘I can’t think why, but I rather seem to have lost my appetite.’

Arnold, The World’s Greatest Swordtoad & Martin The Huge, Hungry Spider

Nicholas Walker — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 00:40:37 +0000

Daniel turned to Martin. 'That's Granny Perkins,' he said. 'She won't be at all pleased to find you've eaten all the bananas.' 'It doesn't matter, she'll be scared of me,' said Martin. 'Everybody always is ... except for you and I expect you're just a bit simple.' 'I am not simple!' said Daniel indignantly. 'And I'm not sure Granny Perkins is afraid of anybody. You'd better hide.' 'I'm a bit big to hide,' grumbled Martin. But Daniel bundled him out of sight behind the crate. He was only just in time because Granny Perkins came stamping into the yard. 'Where are my bananas?' she howled, seeing the empty crate. 'There weren't any,' said Daniel. 'You wicked little boy,' screamed Granny Perkins. 'You've eaten up all my bananas.' 'Be serious Granny, I couldn't eat that many bananas, I'd burst,' said Daniel. 'I'll burst you,' said Granny Perkins lifting up her stick. 'Ow!' said Daniel, getting ready. But as Granny Perkins came after him the huge figure of Martin appeared behind her. His bottom jaw fell open like a draw-bridge, a leg shot out, and Granny Perkins was tossed into the great cavern of a mouth. Martin closed his eyes and gave a deep swallow, and Granny Perkins had gone. 'Well,' said Daniel surprised. 'That's solved the problem of the bananas.' Martin gave a deep rumbling belch, 'Delicious,' he said. 'What's for pudding?' Daniel shook his head. 'Not bananas,' he said.